There are right and wrong reasons for getting married. The worst thing a person can do to oneself is to marry a wife or husband for the wrong
reason. There are quite a number of wrong reasons why people marry. One
of the wrong reasons and perhaps among the most prominent of the wrong reasons
is marrying out of sympathy.
There are many scenarios under this subheading of marrying out of sympathy that relationship coaches experience in the course of counseling and coaching. Some of the
most common ones are when the woman gets pregnant as a result of premarital sex
and getting married to a person just because one’s brother or sister jilted
that person. Between these two extremes, are those who start
relationships with girls who are being maltreated by those they serve.
Some men get involved with the neighborhood maids or relations of their neighbours
who are being maltreated. Women fall into this kind of challenge
When sympathy forms the basis for a relationship with the opposite sex, it is like playing with a keg of gunpowder over a fireplace. Sympathy is a powerful
emotion. It so overpowering that it becomes difficult for the parties
involved to consider the critical elements in the foundation for a joyful
relationship such as friendship, understanding, compatibility etc. If the
man is the one sympathizing, he is so enamored into what he sees as the Good
Samaritan’s job that he does not consider what stuff the woman is made off, her
attitudes, desires and mindset. He does not stop to find out what life
purposes she has, what goals she is focused on and how all these could jell into
his own desires. If it is the woman that is sympathizing, she goes
through the same emotions and also begins to think that if she saves the young
man, he would remain loyal to her forever.
Findings, however, have shown that the truth is far from what these sympathizer-lovers are thinking. If as a result of your efforts the captive is set free, he
or she will do what all captives do, “flee”. Fleeing here may not mean
running away from their sympathizer-lovers, though that has been known to
happen with people who confess that the only feeling they had was to escape the
environment. In many instances, the sympathizer-lovers begin to act as
saviours and lordships. This is usually resisted, first psychologically
and later verbally. And there goes your peace and comfort.
Marriage relationship requires that both parties are open to each other. Open – meaning that there are no secrets in their hearts that the other partner would
not be allowed into. Once these secret feelings are there, it produces
reactive communication instead of responsive communication.
These sympathy missions when it emanates from the premarital sex pregnancy, the woman does not fully get happy in the relationship. This arises from the fact
that as the usual challenges appear in the scene, instead of the woman finding
a good reason to endure; she only thinks she is in a mess occasioned by the
pregnancy. Some have confessed that if they did not get pregnant, there
is no way they would end up with the man they are married to. Instead of
seeing the usual marriage and child rearing challenges as learning
opportunities, they mortify themselves for getting pregnant. And some of the
time, they blame the man for putting them in the family way. Some blame
the child that resulted from the pregnancy. Hatred for a child has been
known to have grown from such situations creating lasting bitterness.
For the men, having not evaluated the character, demeanor, temperament of their spouse before marriage because of the overpowering influence of the emotion of
sympathy, when the woman shows her real character, they are usually
overwhelmed. They see themselves as having made terrible mistakes.
They now live the rest of their lives in regret, withdrawal or wickedness or under
the influence of these three negative but powerful emotions.
It is necessary that we have it ingrained in the tablet of our hearts that the only reasons good enough for marrying anybody are the foundational elements for
joyful relationship. If while in a relationship with the opposite
sex there is no opportunity to build friendship and if an understanding of the
basic purpose of marriage is not clear to both of you, then there is no other
reason why the relationship should continue beyond the next few hours.
Interestingly, many marriages that out there are based on sympathy.
Young single adults (18-30 years of age) and single adults (31 years and above) should not marry anybody for the purpose of saving face or to save somebody
from suffering. Instead of cornering yourselves to this quagmire, why not
follow the appropriate dating, courtship and engagement practices where no
sexual intimacy is included. There is need to remember that sexual
intimacy is only appropriate in a legally and lawfully wedded marriage
contract. You need to remember that the basic purpose of sexual intimacy
is mainly for procreation and to cement companionship.
The excitement and pleasure that accompany sexual intercourse is purposed to invite people to take the responsibility that comes with it. Any other
use of sexual intimacy outside legal and lawful matrimony is a transgression of
the law. And law breakers must bear the full weight of the law. In
most cases, there would be no external police to arrest you and no external
court to try you and no external prison to sentence you. But there are
internal version of the police, the court and the prison and a large farmland
where your hard labour would be performed if you commit this offence.
What is the way to go?
Here is the way to go. Instead of focusing on sympathy, those planning to get married should focus on what matters most – the purpose of marriage –
companionship and procreation. Remember
the good Lord Himself said of Adam in the scriptures: “it is not good for man
to be alone” (Genesis 2:18), hence He made Eve to keep him company. Do not forget also that the same Creator gave
them a commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28). This is the creator’s approval for sexual
intimacy in marriage relationship with the intents and purposes clearly spelt
out, though. Latter-day prophets have
clearly stated that “sex between a man and a woman in a legal and lawful
marriage is ordained of God”. There are
the foundational elements that must be established before continuing in the
plan for marriage with someone. These
include friendship, mutual respect, honour, virtue, integrity, love, etc. Both
parties ought to know and understand this fully. This knowledge and understanding would bear
relationships as the foundation of a building bears it. Marrying for any other reason is like
standing the building on its roof.
Francis Nmeribe is a Relationship Expert and Coach. firstname.lastname@example.org