Relationship pages in newspapers and magazines and even in books is replete with the lamentations of ladies who
have suffered several set-backs in their dating relationships. Many have been bold enough to ask ‘what have
I done wrong?’ Many more have been
rendered hopeless and hateful by their dating experiences and have vo2wed never
to love a man again. Such stories as “I
have been with Mark for five years now.
It was such a fun-filled affair.
He confessed his love for me and I assured him of my own. Throughout these five years, I never had sex
with another man, I was faithful to him.
I was so shocked that Mark could treat me like this after all we
shared.” The same is the sound of the
woeful stories shared by ladies who have come to seek for relationship coaching
to overcome failed affairs or to get needed skill on how to manage their
relationships from dating to the altar.
From this one paragraph scenario, you could find several anti-thesis of dating within a supposedly dating
relationship. At this point, it appears
critical that we separate the wheat from the chaff. Let’s start by defining the words date and
dating in the relationship sense.
Date is an appointment to meet somebody for a social or business activity; a romantic engagement with somebody.
Dating is the activity of going out regularly with somebody as a social or romantic partner.
From the above definitions, the purpose of dating can be deduced. For
the avoidance of doubts on the part of new comers, the implied purpose of date
and dating is to meet someone new for social, business or romance. To extend this further would be to get to
know someone with the expectation that the knowledge could lead us to further
intimate relationships such as courtship and engagement. Even at these two later stages in the
romantic engagement of men and women, sexual intimacy is not appropriate.
There is nothing in the definition and synonym of the words used that suggests sexual intimacy. So when we give the excuse of dating as
reason for sexual intimacy, we are placing the cart before horse. Sexual intimacy between a man and a woman is
ordained of God in a legal and lawful marriage relationship. Sexual intimacy has its own purpose different
from the purpose of dating and can and should only come after a legal and
lawful marriage contract has been entered into – signed, sealed, delivered and
by appropriate legal authority.
If sexual intercourse should not be part of dating, how then is a girl and even a boy to date with hope of achieving the ultimate activity of their engagement – marriage relationship?
Here are a number of dating mindsets and activities which has helped:
· Keep A Purpose In Mind: Why do you want to meet with this guy? If I remember the thoughts and feelings that
has been expressed by many a babe, it is to find my Prince Charming, my Mr.
Right. In the relationship dictionary
and scriptural sense, it would be to find a companion, a life partner. Keep this as a laser focused purpose. It does not matter whether you are
considering marriage immediately or three years later. You will see that there could not be any
sexual intimacy here because you have not really found your prince charming
until he signs the dotted line. The
pre-marriage relationship called engagement has been broken off at the last
minute. Some scheduled wedding
ceremonies have been cancelled at the last minute. So, there is no social, moral, legal or
spiritual reason for the two people involved in this relationship to engage in
any form of sexual activity.
· Seek Friendship First: Friendship is
one of the foundational pillars that sustain marriage relationship. This is what remains of any relationship,
this is what will keep a man as yours, after age, childbirth and sickness has
ravaged your body and disfigured it. The
power of friendship in a marriage relationship is ultimate.
· Define Boundaries and Erect the Hedge: First define in your heart and mind and I
suggest on paper, what and where the boundaries are. Many men who come into your life are on their
way to somewhere else. You do not reside
in a brothel, so you are not that whore that the traveler passes the night
with. Make it clear from the onset that
sexual intercourse is not part of the bargain.
State your desire is to get to know him without any obligations. Men usually do not believe that a girl do not
want to have sexual intimacy with them.
In fact, they believe that a girl is dying to do so. If you notice this mindset and activities
tending to it in a dating relationship, be it on the first date or the tenth
outing, stand up and leave at that moment.
If he is a man who is for you and who would honour your womanhood, he
will come back begging. If he is a
charlatan like many of them are, he would go away in search of another
victim. You are not a victim, are you?
· Go Out With Him, Don’t Go In With Him: When you are in a dating or any pre-marriage
relationship with a man, don’t go into the room alone with him. I teach young single adult men not take the
girl they are dating in, but they should take her out. The reason for this is that if you are a long
for even a short period of time, so much can happen to your body and your heart
that can ruin your life and your relationship, even if you finally married. Every man in the presence of a lady, no
matter his calling in life is always undressing the lady in his heart and mind
and would seek under suitable circumstances to actually undress her. The oxygen in the rooms is limited. There are plenty outside. While struggle for the small space when you
have plenty of freedom outside. Don’t
follow him to the home of friends. They may
have arranged to have you cajoled into sexual activity or rape. Forget everything you have been told; ‘if a
guy had sexual intimacy with you before marriage, his trust for you is
destroyed. He can endure you for the
rest of his life, regardless. So go out
to suitable and friendly open and public places. There is plenty of time when you would be
alone locked in either embraces or quarrels after you are married.
· Rule Out Sexual Intercourse: You may wonder why this has to be spelt out
here when it had earlier been mentioned in the previous subheadings. This is because, the average man does not
take no for an answer, especially when it is coming from a woman. There are many reasons for this. One, if it has to do with his desire to have
sexual intercourse with a woman, every man believes all he needs do is to
continue to mount pressure, then for sure, she would cave in. Two, most men would rather be afraid of
approaching a woman, but most of the time; they have little respect for the
woman. The dominant thought is to get
under her skirt. So your boundaries need
specification. That is why there should
be a statement ruling out sexual intercourse until marriage. The good news is that if he sincerely desires
a worthy relationship with you, he would decide earlier to marry you so he can
own you, than when he is able to get unsecured sexual intercourse with
you. If he goes away because you denied
him sexual intercourse before marriage, he is not worth your while. It is also good news that he gets out of your
life so that another guy would come up.
These men who get unsecured sexual intercourse with women usually hang around you purposelessly not because they
love you, but because of the free access you provide them to massage their
ego. They end up obstructing the way for
you to meet and get involved in other more worthy and more rewarding