As 2015 draws near, many
politicians must have arranged
or write down their manifesto.
Those yet to write or have their
manifesto arranged, I know must
sugar-coated or honey jell their tongues. Let me say this if they
will take my advice on this piece,
it will not only help them, but will
catapult them to a realm they all
will be called political pundits and
Aristotles of our time. Gone are those days when we hear stuffs
like, if you vote for me “I will
water the whole community” “I
will fire (provide electricity)
everywhere” “ I will build roads
(just bring in the caterpillars, let them scrap and invite dust)” “I
build hospitals (erect a building
and pack in panadol tablets while
you go for medical check up
abroad, we use herbs and roots
to exterminate all ailments)” “I will provide jobs (import more
wheel barrows, motorcycles even
keke na pepe so that the
graduates who have refused to
go back to agriculture, narrow
their lives riding past trailers driven by lunatics)” “six months
after my inauguration, electricity
will be stable that we will give
other countries (import more
generators or better still tell
the generator manufacturing firms to shift their base down to
Nigeria)” “I will build schools and
provide qualitative education
(erect any structure and pack it
with half baked literates as
teachers. It is not your fault if students fail JAMB, WAEC, NECO;
they don’t read while you fly
your wards abroad)” “I will fight
corruption (employ the services
of a mistress that helps you
carry cash to your Swiss accounts. If EFCC strikes, tell
them it’s your “hard earned
money”)” “I will pay all
outstanding bills and wages (just
quote billions on the national
dailies you did release, of course nobody will question you. You are
the chief executive)” “I will
carry everybody along including
the opposition (make sure you
have a personal police recruits
and build a better prisons. Some opposition has “vipery” tongue.
Instead of them lashing criticisms
on your policies, give command
your police recruits to put them
behind bars till they say you are
the best thing ever happened)” “I will empower the police (why
waste funds? Buy dane guns and
oil lamps while they fight with
motorists over twenty naira,
armed robbers are having field
day. Make sure their vehicles are ones that break down when any
serious mission is been embarked
on)” “I will make fuel more
cheaper that every household
will decide to cook with fuel( pay
out subsidies with forged importation papers. Any probe
tomorrow, just tell us you will
not spare any one involved in
the subsidy scam)” Now, let’s get down to business.
How to win the hearts of the
electorate, like I said above,
Nigerians are tired of hearing
same old war song. It is time you
give them something different. An innovative born out of your
creativity, that will not only sell
you to the electorates, but will
help your party to be in power
for the next sixty years.
Nigerians are now wise and intelligent, so in order to beat
this intelligence, just make sure
come from an ethnic group that
have not smelt or seen how Aso
Rock looks like. Tell us, you once
have no shoes, but can afford slippers. Tell us, you had no
singlet or boxers. Tell us, how
you use to trek to school with
torn out shirt and shorts. Tell
us, how you struggled through
life, reading and passing your classes in flying colors that you
know more than you teachers.
Make us know how you manage
akara and kuli kuli for breakfast.
Tell us how you sack all PHCN
staffs responsible for power failure, unless you want them to
show what they are capable of
doing when an eminent visitor
comes. Tell us how you make the
“Legislachops” to represent
their constituents well. Make us know that corruption cases will
be a thing of the past. Every
sacred cow, elephant, lion, tiger
even zebra must see the walls of
kirikiri prisons. Tell us that your
children will join heir counterparts in public schools.
Make no mistake, telling us you
will resuscitate an old industry
abandoned even before you
started primary school. Tell us
you will help Nigerians realize the value of maintaining what they
have. Embark on projects like
building prisons for the yahoo
yahoo guys, pen robbers,
pension fund looters. Don’t build
roads; rather embark on flyovers and bridges. Nigerians
are tired of riding on the land.
Since you are for change, make
sure you settle out some dudes
perceived as enemies or bombs
and bullets become daily news. Armed yourself with a team of
intellectuals that will always
know how to react to an issue,
not gibberish talking lunatics. If
you are not careful enough,
they will blow a secret you have locked up in CBN vaults. Any
criminal that refuses to live up
to expectations, announce his
name nationwide, so that we can
employ the services of bakassi
boys. You can’t do without God, so you need a prophet by your
side. Whether he slap witches to
make them repent or he only
sees dooms coming, just employ
their services. For you do not
war against flesh and blood rather against principalities and
powers in high places. Make us
know that the market woman
who struggled to vote for you,
will change her business of selling
pepper to being a major distributor of magi, fresh
tomatoes etc. Tell us you will
change the jobs of our
graduates from okada riding to
keke na pepe drivers. Tell us
that you are going to demolish the hospitals, let the traditional
or herbal doctors take over.
Lastly, don’t promise heaven
when you know the clouds are
far from your reach. Till next
time, I remained yours faithful adviser.

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The NIgeria political landscape is oiled by money. Politicians share money during their electioneering campaigns and the electorate wait for them at that time.  Some even draw their budget based on what they expect to get from the politicians during the electioneerign campaigns.  So it an exchange programme.  You take my money and I take your vote.  What else would  you expect the politician to do when he actualy has paid the electorate upfront.  We need a serious re-orientation.

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